Legends of Zeldas: Day V (Adventure of Link)

I hate Ganon. This game would not be nearly as bad if I didn't have to lose all my collected experience points every time I die.

I make my way back to the swamp temple three more times, each time making no progress. I fight blobs in a field to level up, but I still die. Still dying, this time I manage to get a glove of some sort before being ruthlessly slaughtered. These damned red Iron Knuckles kill me. And those snakes kill me. And those little blue blobs that like knocking me into lava? Yeah, I love those guys.

Can I just skip this one and go to a Link to the Past, already? I'm stopping for now.

Legends of Zeldas: Day IV (Adventure of Link)

Upon completing the first temple, I move on to find level 2. As I leave Parapa Palace, the whole damn thing turns into a rock which resembles nothing like the temple I was just in. I return to Rauru town and have sex with the prostitute. I go south of the starting palace and enter a cave, where I kill these weird segmented eye proboscis things. A couple octoroks pelt me with rocks. I find a magic jar which increases my magic. Cool, I guess. I go north into a different cave. The boomerang dogs make their oh-so-welcome return as one pelts me to near death. Bastard. I get a little angel doll thing. No idea what for. A moblin in a field kills me. Game over, return of Ganon. I go to Ruto town to speak with my good buddy, Error. He tells me he's Error. Yes you are.

Some lady seems happy I have this angel statue. She lets me speak with her uncle, who is another old wizard with a pointy hat and big beard. He lets me jump higher. I go south to another cave. Another boomerang dog kills me. I go on and am killed by bats. With my new magic spell, I easily jump over the tall cliff. As I enter a field and am killed by another boomerang dog, return of Ganon. Next time they kill me again, return of Ganon. I go back and wander around and find a bag of experience points. I make my way to another temple but get killed two seconds after entering it. I go down the bridge this time to what is apparently Saria town. I spend another hour fighting jumping frogs, blobs and more boomerang dogs in an attempt to level up (all while stopping in Saria town for the occasional quickie). I make my way back to the temple but die anyway. I am annoyed. I will do this later.

---

I go back and try to do this temple again. I actually grab a few keys this time while fighting more maraca monsters and blue skeletons. However, I manage to fall in a pit of lava. I really hate this game. I'll try later.

Legends of Zeldas: Day III (Adventure of Link)

One day, while walking about aimlessly, we see an old woman being attacked by a gang of monsters. Upon saving her, she tells us that she is Princess Zelda's assistant, Impa. Ganon, the all powerful, terrible, maniacal, and all around bad guy of the land has invaded Hyrule and captured the princess! The great Hylian army either doesn't exist or has seemingly failed the all important task of saving Hyrule, a job which can obviously be done by one kid in a funny hat. Ganon has captured Zelda in an attempt to claim the Triforce of Wisdom. Thinking ahead, Zelda has shattered the Triforce into eight parts to keep Ganon from obtaining it. Now it is us who stand in the way of Ganon and his absolute rule of the land.

We go on our quest, going dungeon to dungeon, defeating enemy after enemy, and getting ourselves killed countless times. All to save this beautiful land of Hyrule, which from all I can tell is a big ass barren wasteland with some old guys living in caves.

Assembling the Triforce of Wisdom, we charge headfirst to Death Mountain, inside Spectacle Rock, and launch a silver arrow into Ganon, reducing him to a smoldering pile of ash. We claim the Triforce of Power, rescue Zelda, and the land of Hyrule is at peace once again.

...or is it?

Ganon's spectacular evilness is to be admired. As it turns out, his rogue gang of minions still remained. Desperate to see the return of their favorite demonic evil king, they have devised a brilliant plan. They shall use the blood of the boy who slayed the evil king on his ashes and bring him back to life. Oh, a truly evil plan. Ganon would be proud.

But we have problems of our own to attend to. One day, we notice a strange mark on the back of our hand and ask Impa what it's all about. Gasping in amazement, she takes us to a room where we see a sleeping woman on a table, who is revealed to be Zelda (not the one we just saved). She tells us that years ago, a prince longed to claim the complete Triforce. He is told by a wizard that his younger sister, Zelda, is in knowledge of where the third piece, courage, rests. Demanding she tell him where it is, she refuses. The wizard, growing angry, casts a spell on her that would make her sleep forever if she did not tell. As she falls asleep, the prince feels horrible for being such a bad person. He lays her to rest, hoping she may one day awaken. In his guilt, he demands every girl born in the royal family be named Zelda.

It would take the power of the Triforce of Courage to break the spell, me being the destined one to have it. I am to place six crystals in six statues to unlock the way to the Triforce. I prepare to go on my way.

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link
(NES)

Holy crap, I'm big! And sideways! This new game is a sidescrolling adventure, to my disappointment. I start next to the sleeping princess. I leave and step into a Final Fantasy-esque overworld. I have no idea what to do. A blob attacks me and I go into another sidescrolling thing. This game appears to have an RPG-like leveling system.

I make my way to the town of Rauru. Holy crap, Hyrule has civilizations! I thought it was nothing but fields! A man in a house tells me if all else fails, use fire. I want that engraved into a golden plaque and hung above the mantle of my fireplace. And I think some woman just had sex with me, but I'm not sure. Some kid tells me to get a candle in Parapa Palace. OK. I move on and find the town of Ruto.

I am Error, huh?

I can't go south, says a woman, so I wander around a bit more. I wind up back in Rauru where an old guy gives me a shield spell. This man looks like a very stereotypical old wizard. Kind of funny. The lady here tells me every town has an old guy in it! Nifty.

I go east and find a cave. Making my way through, with no light whatsoever, I emerge and enter my first dungeon. Some red enemies lunge at me from all sides and I shank them to death. I fight some skeleton enemies and run like mad from these floating skull things. I make my way across a bridge which collapses behind me and come up against a red thing which appears to be throwing marraccas at me. I kill it and move on. I come up against a red knight who kills me. I die, return of Ganon.

I return all the way back TO THE GOD DAMNED PLACE I STARTED AT! I make my way back. I die another 700 times while trying to navigate this damn place before finally stumbling across a candle. Now I can see dark things. I come across some horse headed thing that kills me, return of Ganon.

The next time I go through the cave I can see everything before it kills me. Pretty neat.

The thing kills me another two times, return of Ganon. I'm starting to hate this game. At least in the first one I was capable of making progress! That whole 'go back to the very beginning of the whole game every time you die' thing has to be the worst concept of any game ever.

Instead of running straight back to get killed, I decide to level up. I wander around and discover a place that appears to be Stonehenge. I grab a heart container and go on my way. I spend the next hour fighting blobs in fields. That's the number one thing I hate about RPGs: there's always a part where I have to wander a field killing things for the sake of killing things. But now I'll go back to the temple.

The horse thing still kills me. Ganon comes back again.

After try #657, I finally kill the damn thing. A flashy animation (which is an improvement over the previous game's no animation) plays and I get a key. I put a crystal in a statue. Only 5 statues left. That's a good stopping place for now. I'll return later.

Legends of Zeldas: Day II (Legend of Zelda)

My sleep completed, I now return to the world of Hyrule, fully prepared to save it. Out of curiosity, why are we all so damned interested in saving Hyrule at all? From all I see, 95% of your inhabitants are over 70 and they all reside in caves. And you only have 10 residents! Why are we so damn interested in saving a bunch of barren fields?! I put my doubts behind me as I enter the mysterious Level 4. Taking a brave new turn in interior design, this dungeon features new yellow coloring, as compared to the greens and blues of past.

A room full of bats gives me a key. I still somehow have three keys. Further on, I find these weird ass bouncing blue goblin things. Upon attacking them, they turn into red bats. I have no idea either.

I find a completely dark room guarded by more goblins. I run around like an idiot, trying to find where I can stand as they almost slaughter me. I claim a compass. I find another dark room and more goblins kill me. I discover that the blue candle I got lights rooms up. How nifty. I enter a room with a river running through it and some little electric balls going around it. I can't cross the river, so I go to the right for now. I pass by some Like-Likes and blobs to get down the stairs where I am instantly killed by a bat. I'm a failure.

This time I get killed by a blob. Still a failure.

It's a good thing I'm not actually saving the world, or I would have been killed 30 seconds into my adventure by an octorok.

This time, another bat kills me.

I finally get back down that stair case and claim my...ladder? What the crap?

I discover that my ladder lets me cross small bodies of water. I need to think for just a minute. I mean....

WHY CAN'T MY RAFT DO THAT?!

Isn't that what a raft is for, anyway? I mean, how does a ladder even let you cross water?! This is retarded!

Alas, I have no time to stress. I must press on.

And in the next room is the ghost of Christmas past. That weird four headed plant thing that I killed in the previous dungeon. And like the previous time, it somehow manages to kill me with a fireball after I already killed it. I hate this damn place.

I kill it again and the door behind him reveals another old man, who asks if I have walked into the waterfall. I had earlier in the game, and an old lady told me to go up, up the mountain or whatever after I paid her 20 rupees to say that.

But more pressing is this old man. How the hell did he get here? Why is he here? Did he not see the four headed plant monster outside? Are you stupid? Get out, old man!

I press on and am immediately killed by these spiky things.

I find the boss who is a two headed dragon and kills me immediately. I tire of this dungeon.

The dragon kills me again. Damn it all.

And it kills me again.

I bomb everything in the dungeon and claim some hearts before trying it again. I beam-sword it awhile, then just hack it to death. I win.

Returning to my precious overworld, I seek out new treasures. I grab another heart container on the eastern coast. I find another old man that tells me that there's a secret in the tree at the dead end. And some horse thing throws swords at me and kills me.

Though it is nice having enough health to not die every four seconds.

I wind up in a graveyard where another old man has a sword he won't give to me. And another horse thing throws a sword at me and kills me.

I buy a red potion from an old lady in a cave. This will come in handy. I also find a red bracelet thingy. Not sure what it does. I find another heart container when I start randomly burning trees. I decide to hunt down the other heart containers.

After hours of searching, blowing crap up and totally not looking at a map (>.>) I now have twelve hearts, a power bracelet and a red potion. I'm looking good. And the old guy gave me my better sword. And I got a nice ring which made me a pretty lavender color. I even stumble across the mysterious Level 9. But some old guy won't let me in (which confirms my suspicions all along. That the old guy is secretly a minion of Ganon). But I've fooled around long enough. It's time to save Hyrule. I go up, up the mountain and enter Level 5.

I must say, I am highly disappointed. I saw great potential with the last dungeon's color scheme of yellow. But now we're back to green. Not very original. I come across these hopping mice things, but they show me no real concern. I take care of them and claim a key. Now I have two keys...somehow (They keep giving me keys I don't use). I take out a couple mummy things in the next room and cross a river of red pixels (which I'm assuming is the 8-Bit equivalent of lava).

I now go up against those blasted armored knights again, and they still kill me. The next time, however, I slaughter them...with one whole heart to spare. I make my way and find a nifty little recorder.

Having plenty of power and defense now, I go through this entire dungeon only dying a couple times. I get to the boss, which appears to be a giant flying spiky eyeball. For some reason, playing a recorder at it shrivels it and I kill it instantly. That was painfully easy.

I claim my fifth piece of the Triforce and move on with my quest.

Or at least I will in a bit. It's my break time.

---

I discover now that my nifty recorder warps me around via cyclones. I find this pretty nifty. I make my way back towards the graves to get to Level 6.

Disappointing yet again. Now our color scheme is yellow again. Are we just going to alternate green and yellow from here on out? No reds or purples?

I find the old man again, and he tells me to aim at the eyes of Gohma. Just whose side are you on, old man?

I'm doing fairly well until a gang of wizrobes rapes me and leaves me with nowhere near enough health to kill the three headed dragon ahead. The next time, I take a swag of my red potion. It dies fairly easily. My map reveals that this dungeon resembles a rat fetus. Another old man tells me that there are secrets where fairies don't live. I don't get it. I go on to find a block that pushes over to reveal a staircase. I get moved to a separate area of the dungeon.

I make my way into the lair of Gohma. I shoot an arrow at its eye and it dies instantly. Pretty difficult there. And I clearly remember the old guy saying it had 'eyes'. Plural. Liar. I claim my piece of the Triforce and move on to Level 7.

I first stop and grab another red potion. I like red potion. I find a fairy pond with no fairy, so I start burning trees and blowing up walls. Turns out, you use your recorder. The lake dries up and reveals a staircase. I enter to find Level 7.

And guess what? Level 7 is...green! New color, guys!

Another group of fireballs that I somehow kill. Those things confuse me.

I go into a room full of bats and kill one. They all go away. I have no idea what just happened.

The next room has some more boomerang dogs. These things will throw their boomerangs around senselessly with no real purpose. I've never known anything to randomly throw shit around like that. Another random old dude tells me there's a secret in the tip of the nose. Is this the same old guy every time or are there just a crapload of identical old people?

Another one of those spiky eyeballs appears next. I play my recorder at it and it shrivels. I can't believe that was a boss at one point. I enter a room full of skeletons knights. Now they all die in one hit. The last one drops a stopwatch. The last one always drops a stopwatch.

I find myself running in circles so I start bombing crap (which is what I usually do when I run out of ideas). I blow a hole in a wall and go in. An old man say I'd bet I'd like more bombs with a -100 rupee under him. I only have 62 rupees.

Another spiky eyeball appears, but this time the flute breaks him into three different eyeballs. Hardly more difficult, but they're getting better. I find a room with a grumbling monster. I give him my bait thing I had purchased earlier in the game and he disappears. OK....

I get a map which shows my dungeon looks like a shriveled Pac-Man.

I obtain the red candle, which has the magical ability to slow my NES's processing speed to a crawl when used around large groups of enemies.

I make my way to the boss's room to meet the boss who is...Aquamentus. That's right, the exact same boss from Level 1. He didn't even shoot extra fireballs or anything. Same exact thing. I feel ripped off. Where's Level 8?

I burn down a bush and find Level 8. And it's...gray. I mean...it's not green or yellow, but come on! Gray?!

The four-headed plant thing comes back. No harder.

I realize I'm an idiot. I run out of level 8 and rush back to level 6.

...I forgot the magic wand (don't judge me).

OK! Back to level 8!

I find myself a book which allows my magic wand to shoot fireballs. I wander about fighting many guards and almost killing myself numerous times. Another old man tells me that the 10th enemy has the bomb. Whatever....

I find a key with a lions head. I don't know what it is for. And a blue Gohma kills me. But I shall not be stopped. I return and slay the spider.

An old man tells me Spectacle Rock is an entrance to death. Thanks for the warning. Or was it a threat? You can't stop me, old man! I know who you work for! When peace is returned to Hyrule, I will see you burned!

Winding around some more, I kill a four headed dragon and now I have a full life meter! Ha! I go claim the final piece of the Triforce. Now...it is time.

I grab another red potion. I feel I'm going to need it.

I enter Level 9 and, holy crap, the music is different (the game over music is not, by the way). And for some reason, the game says I have "A Keys". I have no idea why. I come up against the two weird ass snake things and kill them before going down some stairs, where I die again.

I make my way to an old man who tells me to go to the next room. Thank you, Einstein. I'm glad I wasted one of my A keys on you. Some weird thing that has created a shield of smaller weird things kills me. I find the map, which shows the dungeon is shaped like a skull (or more like those little space invader things). How so ominous.

I find a red ring which gives me a nice red tunic. How nice. It also improves my durability. Very nice indeed. Another old man tells me that the eyes of the skull have secrets. Thanks again! I totally couldn't tell that from the flashing dot on my screen!

I now realize that when the old man said 'next room', he was referring to the room I have to blow through. My bad. I go on and claim my silver arrows. Now I have all I need to kill Ganon.

Entering his lair, I see him in all his blue pigness. And then...I don't. He disappears and flies around the room and I swing wildly. He reappears every now and then. He turns red and I let loose a silver arrow. Then he...dies. Smoldering pile of ash. Dead. Very anti-climactic.

I claim the fallen Triforce of power. I head north and Zelda is behind flames. I slice through and rescue her. I'm told I'm a hero and Hyrule's at peace. Credits roll and catchy music plays. The end. And I only died 71 times.

Now, to sum things up.

THE GOOD
---
One thing that was in this game that doesn't appear in sequels is the complete lack of any assistance whatsoever. I found this sort of nifty. Not having the game hold your hand the whole way allows you to try and figure stuff out for yourself. Very nifty.

THE BAD
---
In that same breath, a little help would be nice on occasion. As much as I like doing things myself, getting dumped in a field with no clues on where to start isn't good either.

WHAT SHOULD COME BACK
---
Some of that 'do it yourself' mentality is nice. As much as we all like Navi (and I'm sure you do), it's time to get out on our own. These games can stop pointing us in the exact direction we need to go and just...let us do it.

WHAT SHOULD NEVER COME BACK
---
Having to die to save. That sure was a bitch.

BEST PART
---
The old guy. I really do like the old guy.

Next time we crack open the Adventure of Link. Stay tuned for that.

Legends of Zeldas: Day I (Legend of Zelda)

For this spectacular blog, I have dedicated myself to playing every Zelda game in consecutive order. We will start with the original Legend of Zelda, which I can already tell will take me several weeks at best. I will try to avoid walkthroughs and cheats as much as I can and try to beat each game I can.

I will be playing the following games:

The Legend of Zelda (NES)
Adventure of Link (NES)
A Link to the Past (SNES)
Link's Awakening (GB)
Ocarina of Time (N64)
Majora's Mask (N64)
Oracle of Ages/Seasons (GBC)
Wind Waker (GCN)
Four Sword Adventures (GCN)
The Minish Cap (GBA)
Twilight Princess (Wii/GCN)
Phantom Hourglass (DS)

The following games feature the Zelda label and/or the character of Link, but will not be played, for they are not a real part of the Zelda canon or were not a major release title.

BS Zelda (SNES Satellaview) - Just a re-release
Faces of Evil (CDi) - Crap
Wand of Gamelon (CDi) - Crap
Zelda's Adventure (CDi) - Crap
Super Smash Bros (N64/GCN/Wii) - Not Zelda canon
Soul Calibur II (GCN) - Not Zelda Canon
Four Swords (GBA) - It was a multiplayer feature on the GBA re-release of a Link to the Past and not a stand-alone game.
Tingle's Balloon Fight (DS) - No.
Freshly Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland (DS) - Never made it to the states.
Link's Crossbow Training (Wii) - I don't even own it and it appears to be little more than a shooting gallery.

The Legend of Zelda
(NES)

We start off with The Legend of Zelda. We're told that "Gannon" has captured Zelda in his attempt to obtain the Triforce. Zelda takes her Triforce of Wisdom and shatters it into eight pieces and scatters them across Hyrule. You, Link, take the task of obtaining the shattered pieces and rescuing Zelda from "Gannon's" dirty paws.

The first thing you'll notice is that Ganon's name is misspelled (though in my virtual console version, that has been corrected. They also misspelled 'penninsula'. They like their double N's. For some reason, that was not corrected.)

We start off in the middle of a field with no helpful tips to get us started. We'll begin by walking into this nice looking cave nearby, where an old man decides to give us a wooden sword. How kind. With no further instruction we'll begin to look for piece one of the Triforce.

Many minutes of searching follow with no sign of the mysterious Level 1. My three little hearts can barely contain themselves. With no sign of what to do, I end up buying some bombs and collecting some rupees before finally discovering the amazing Level 1, which took all of 15 minutes to beat. A barrage of skeletons and bats attack me as I find my way to a nice bow and a boomerang. However, my lack of arrows makes my bow completely useless. I find my way to a nice green dragon and beam-sword him to death. I now have four hearts and am ready to begin my next quest: Level 2.

Level 2 doesn't seem too easy to find, however. I can find Level 3 and 5, but I pass them for now, assuming I can't do them yet. I buy a blue candle (not sure what it does, though) and a larger shield. However, a new shield makes Level 2 no easier to find. It's been a whole hour and my vow to not use maps is already falling on thin ice. After my 200th consecutive death, I decide now is a good time to stop. My quest to save Hyrule will continue later.

---

I'm back a few hours later with a vengeance and I only looked at a map a little bit. It doesn't matter, because I already forgot where Level 2 is. Heading towards the forested region of the map, a group of Octoroks knocks me down to one heart almost instantly. Ever valiant, I press on. Only once do I question why I'm doing this to begin with, or how Princess Zelda contacted me. Apparently, my country needs me.

Finally obtaining the Rupees, I invest in some arrows. Still having no idea where Level 2 is I wander on, killing all Moblins and Tektites in my path. Eventually, I arrive in a green mountainous region with a large staircase. Curious, I go up. Guarded by a lone blue Octorok is the mysterious Level 2. My hours long quest is over.

Aside from being a bluer color than the previous dungeon, the architecture appears identical. Valiantly, I slaughter a battalion of vicious rattlesnakes. Now, I'm being attacked by these weird boomerang dog things but I make quick work of them. A single Rupee is my prize. Continuing on, I am attacked by... more snakes. In the next room, I am immediately pelted to death with fireballs and boomerangs. I try again.

Choosing a different path, I find a key guarded by snakes. I kill the snakes and hijack the key, making three keys I have now. I arrive in the fireball room and am immediately killed again. I hate that room. Progressing to a weird sand filled room, I am chased by fireballs. I have no idea what this is about, but I discover I can attack the fireballs; this seems a logical thing to do. I stumble across the boss, Dodongo, and kill him via feeding him bombs. The next room gives me a piece of the Triforce. That seemed way too easy. However, still having four keys and several unlocked doors, I venture back in. I claim a compass, which is entirely useless now. I then find a map, which show the dungeon as crescent shaped. This is sort of useful. I wind up in the fireball room and die AGAIN!

...and AGAIN.

This time I go into the fireball room and kill everything with bombs. This proves successful and I get a much nicer boomerang. And an old man informs me that the Dodongo dislikes smoke. A bit late there, old fellow.

As I continue, my map shows a room I seem unable to get to. My knowledge of explosives tempts me to bomb the wall, and my instinct proves valid. However, it just leads me back to the old guy. How ever so useful. I decide to leave, but a snake gets the best of me. I tell no one of this failure.

I take a moment to question my backstory. Do I have a backstory? Was the NES hardware too weak for plot? How old am I? Not very old I assume. Am I from Hyrule? If not, where am I from? If not, why am I saving Hyrule? Do I know Zelda? Where the hell are all the Hyrulians? Why are there only old people in caves?

I have no time to ponder such questions, for Hyrule needs me. I search for Level 3. Having already seen it, I essentially know where to go. The architecture here is vastly different. The previous dungeons were shades of blue, and this dungeon is a shade of green.

The blobs have now evolved. Before, a mere boomerang could take care of them. Now they have become larger and I actually have to use my sword. In the next room, killing more blobs gives me a key. I somehow have three keys.

Three armored knights come at me next, and unlike all my previous enemies, my boomerang does nothing. They kill me. The game over music is stuck in my head.

This time I kill the knights and get some bombs. Killing some more blobs gets me another key. And another group of guards kill me...again.

And again....

And again....

And again....

This time I take a different path and find the map...which shows that the dungeon is shaped like a swastika (sort of...swastikas point the opposite direction). I run into some more guards that kill me. Jerks.

I find an old man who asks me if I got the sword from the old man on top of the waterfall. I tried, but he wouldn't let me take it. I'll go back after this. I get to the guards and this time they drop a stopwatch. I smile as I deliver sweet, oh so sweet, revenge. The next room has a shitload of those damn guards and they slaughter me like the pig I am.

After a shitload of retries, luck and bombs, all those damn guards finally die and I go on to claim my...raft? Okay....

I make my way to the boss, and after wasting 4 bombs I finally kill it. That doesn't stop it from killing me apparently, as I am hit by a god damned fireball even though the thing is already dead. What the crap?

This time it dies with one bomb. I hate my life.

I go in and claim my Triforce piece. I am so glad that is over with.

Now with six hearts and three pieces of the Triforce, I move on to level four. But first, I will navigate to the man on top of the waterfall.

On my journey, I died several more times. An old man let me choose between a heart container and a red potion. I chose the heart container. Alas, I found my old man and got a better sword. On to Level 4. I find a little green dock and raft across. I have found Level 4.

Level 4 is a good place to stop. I shall return tomorrow.