My sleep completed, I now return to the world of Hyrule, fully prepared to save it. Out of curiosity, why are we all so damned interested in saving Hyrule at all? From all I see, 95% of your inhabitants are over 70 and they all reside in caves. And you only have 10 residents! Why are we so damn interested in saving a bunch of barren fields?! I put my doubts behind me as I enter the mysterious Level 4. Taking a brave new turn in interior design, this dungeon features new yellow coloring, as compared to the greens and blues of past.
A room full of bats gives me a key. I still somehow have three keys. Further on, I find these weird ass bouncing blue goblin things. Upon attacking them, they turn into red bats. I have no idea either.
I find a completely dark room guarded by more goblins. I run around like an idiot, trying to find where I can stand as they almost slaughter me. I claim a compass. I find another dark room and more goblins kill me. I discover that the blue candle I got lights rooms up. How nifty. I enter a room with a river running through it and some little electric balls going around it. I can't cross the river, so I go to the right for now. I pass by some Like-Likes and blobs to get down the stairs where I am instantly killed by a bat. I'm a failure.
This time I get killed by a blob. Still a failure.
It's a good thing I'm not actually saving the world, or I would have been killed 30 seconds into my adventure by an octorok.
This time, another bat kills me.
I finally get back down that stair case and claim my...ladder? What the crap?
I discover that my ladder lets me cross small bodies of water. I need to think for just a minute. I mean....
WHY CAN'T MY RAFT DO THAT?!
Isn't that what a raft is for, anyway? I mean, how does a ladder even let you cross water?! This is retarded!
Alas, I have no time to stress. I must press on.
And in the next room is the ghost of Christmas past. That weird four headed plant thing that I killed in the previous dungeon. And like the previous time, it somehow manages to kill me with a fireball after I already killed it. I hate this damn place.
I kill it again and the door behind him reveals another old man, who asks if I have walked into the waterfall. I had earlier in the game, and an old lady told me to go up, up the mountain or whatever after I paid her 20 rupees to say that.
But more pressing is this old man. How the hell did he get here? Why is he here? Did he not see the four headed plant monster outside? Are you stupid? Get out, old man!
I press on and am immediately killed by these spiky things.
I find the boss who is a two headed dragon and kills me immediately. I tire of this dungeon.
The dragon kills me again. Damn it all.
And it kills me again.
I bomb everything in the dungeon and claim some hearts before trying it again. I beam-sword it awhile, then just hack it to death. I win.
Returning to my precious overworld, I seek out new treasures. I grab another heart container on the eastern coast. I find another old man that tells me that there's a secret in the tree at the dead end. And some horse thing throws swords at me and kills me.
Though it is nice having enough health to not die every four seconds.
I wind up in a graveyard where another old man has a sword he won't give to me. And another horse thing throws a sword at me and kills me.
I buy a red potion from an old lady in a cave. This will come in handy. I also find a red bracelet thingy. Not sure what it does. I find another heart container when I start randomly burning trees. I decide to hunt down the other heart containers.
After hours of searching, blowing crap up and totally not looking at a map (>.>) I now have twelve hearts, a power bracelet and a red potion. I'm looking good. And the old guy gave me my better sword. And I got a nice ring which made me a pretty lavender color. I even stumble across the mysterious Level 9. But some old guy won't let me in (which confirms my suspicions all along. That the old guy is secretly a minion of Ganon). But I've fooled around long enough. It's time to save Hyrule. I go up, up the mountain and enter Level 5.
I must say, I am highly disappointed. I saw great potential with the last dungeon's color scheme of yellow. But now we're back to green. Not very original. I come across these hopping mice things, but they show me no real concern. I take care of them and claim a key. Now I have two keys...somehow (They keep giving me keys I don't use). I take out a couple mummy things in the next room and cross a river of red pixels (which I'm assuming is the 8-Bit equivalent of lava).
I now go up against those blasted armored knights again, and they still kill me. The next time, however, I slaughter them...with one whole heart to spare. I make my way and find a nifty little recorder.
Having plenty of power and defense now, I go through this entire dungeon only dying a couple times. I get to the boss, which appears to be a giant flying spiky eyeball. For some reason, playing a recorder at it shrivels it and I kill it instantly. That was painfully easy.
I claim my fifth piece of the Triforce and move on with my quest.
Or at least I will in a bit. It's my break time.
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I discover now that my nifty recorder warps me around via cyclones. I find this pretty nifty. I make my way back towards the graves to get to Level 6.
Disappointing yet again. Now our color scheme is yellow again. Are we just going to alternate green and yellow from here on out? No reds or purples?
I find the old man again, and he tells me to aim at the eyes of Gohma. Just whose side are you on, old man?
I'm doing fairly well until a gang of wizrobes rapes me and leaves me with nowhere near enough health to kill the three headed dragon ahead. The next time, I take a swag of my red potion. It dies fairly easily. My map reveals that this dungeon resembles a rat fetus. Another old man tells me that there are secrets where fairies don't live. I don't get it. I go on to find a block that pushes over to reveal a staircase. I get moved to a separate area of the dungeon.
I make my way into the lair of Gohma. I shoot an arrow at its eye and it dies instantly. Pretty difficult there. And I clearly remember
the old guy saying it had 'eyes'. Plural. Liar. I claim my piece of the Triforce and move on to Level 7.I first stop and grab another red potion. I like red potion. I find a fairy pond with no fairy, so I start burning trees and blowing up walls. Turns out, you use your recorder. The lake dries up and reveals a staircase. I enter to find Level 7.
And guess what? Level 7 is...green! New color, guys!
Another group of fireballs that I somehow kill. Those things confuse me.
I go into a room full of bats and kill one. They all go away. I have no idea what just happened.
The next room has some more boomerang dogs. These things will throw their boomerangs around senselessly with no real purpose. I've never known anything to randomly throw shit around like that. Another random old dude tells me there's a secret in the tip of the nose. Is this the same old guy every time or are there just a crapload of identical old people?
Another one of those spiky eyeballs appears next. I play my recorder at it and it shrivels. I can't believe that was a boss at one point. I enter a room full of skeletons knights. Now they all die in one hit. The last one drops a stopwatch. The last one always drops a stopwatch.
I find myself running in circles so I start bombing crap (which is what I usually do when I run out of ideas). I blow a hole in a wall and go in. An old man say I'd bet I'd like more bombs with a -100 rupee under him. I only have 62 rupees.
Another spiky eyeball appears, but this time the flute breaks him into three different eyeballs. Hardly more difficult, but they're getting better. I find a room with a grumbling monster. I give him my bait thing I had purchased earlier in the game and he disappears. OK....
I get a map which shows my dungeon looks like a shriveled Pac-Man.
I obtain the red candle, which has the magical ability to slow my NES's processing speed to a crawl when used around large groups of enemies.
I make my way to the boss's room to meet the boss who is...Aquamentus. That's right, the exact same boss from Level 1. He didn't even shoot extra fireballs or anything. Same exact thing. I feel ripped off. Where's Level 8?
I burn down a bush and find Level 8. And it's...gray. I mean...it's not green or yellow, but come on! Gray?!
The four-headed plant thing comes back. No harder.
I realize I'm an idiot. I run out of level 8 and rush back to level 6.
...I forgot the magic wand (don't judge me).
OK! Back to level 8!
I find myself a book which allows my magic wand to shoot fireballs. I wander about fighting many guards and almost killing myself numerous times. Another old man tells me that the 10th enemy has the bomb. Whatever....
I find a key with a lions head. I don't know what it is for. And a blue Gohma kills me. But I shall not be stopped. I return and slay the spider.
An old man tells me Spectacle Rock is an entrance to death. Thanks for the warning. Or was it a threat? You can't stop me, old man! I know who you work for! When peace is returned to Hyrule, I will see you burned!
Winding around some more, I kill a four headed dragon and now I have a full life meter! Ha! I go claim the final piece of the Triforce. Now...it is time.
I grab another red potion. I feel I'm going to need it.
I enter Level 9 and, holy crap, the music is different (the game over music is not, by the way). And for some reason, the game says I have "A Keys". I have no idea why. I come up against the two weird ass snake things and kill them before going down some stairs, where I die again.
I make my way to an old man who tells me to go to the next room. Thank you, Einstein. I'm glad I wasted one of my A keys on you. Some weird thing that has created a shield of smaller weird things kills me. I find the map, which shows the dungeon is shaped like a skull (or more like those little space invader things). How so ominous.
I find a red ring which gives me a nice red tunic. How nice. It also improves my durability. Very nice indeed. Another old man tells me that the eyes of the skull have secrets. Thanks again! I totally couldn't tell that from the flashing dot on my screen!
I now realize that when the old man said 'next room', he was referring to the room I have to blow through. My bad. I go on and claim my silver arrows. Now I have all I need to kill Ganon.
Entering his lair, I see him in all his blue pigness. And then...I don't. He disappears and flies around the room and I swing wildly. He reappears every now and then. He turns red and I let loose a silver arrow. Then he...dies. Smoldering pile of ash. Dead. Very anti-climactic.
I claim the fallen Triforce of power. I head north and Zelda is behind flames. I slice through and rescue her. I'm told I'm a hero and Hyrule's at peace. Credits roll and catchy music plays. The end. And I only died 71 times.
Now, to sum things up.
THE GOOD
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One thing that was in this game that doesn't appear in sequels is the complete lack of any assistance whatsoever. I found this sort of nifty. Not having the game hold your hand the whole way allows you to try and figure stuff out for yourself. Very nifty.
THE BAD
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In that same breath, a little help would be nice on occasion. As much as I like doing things myself, getting dumped in a field with no clues on where to start isn't good either.
WHAT SHOULD COME BACK
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Some of that 'do it yourself' mentality is nice. As much as we all like Navi (and I'm sure you do), it's time to get out on our own. These games can stop pointing us in the exact direction we need to go and just...let us do it.
WHAT SHOULD NEVER COME BACK
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Having to die to save. That sure was a bitch.
BEST PART
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The old guy. I really do like the old guy.
Next time we crack open the Adventure of Link. Stay tuned for that.
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