Legends of Zeldas: Day III (Adventure of Link)

One day, while walking about aimlessly, we see an old woman being attacked by a gang of monsters. Upon saving her, she tells us that she is Princess Zelda's assistant, Impa. Ganon, the all powerful, terrible, maniacal, and all around bad guy of the land has invaded Hyrule and captured the princess! The great Hylian army either doesn't exist or has seemingly failed the all important task of saving Hyrule, a job which can obviously be done by one kid in a funny hat. Ganon has captured Zelda in an attempt to claim the Triforce of Wisdom. Thinking ahead, Zelda has shattered the Triforce into eight parts to keep Ganon from obtaining it. Now it is us who stand in the way of Ganon and his absolute rule of the land.

We go on our quest, going dungeon to dungeon, defeating enemy after enemy, and getting ourselves killed countless times. All to save this beautiful land of Hyrule, which from all I can tell is a big ass barren wasteland with some old guys living in caves.

Assembling the Triforce of Wisdom, we charge headfirst to Death Mountain, inside Spectacle Rock, and launch a silver arrow into Ganon, reducing him to a smoldering pile of ash. We claim the Triforce of Power, rescue Zelda, and the land of Hyrule is at peace once again.

...or is it?

Ganon's spectacular evilness is to be admired. As it turns out, his rogue gang of minions still remained. Desperate to see the return of their favorite demonic evil king, they have devised a brilliant plan. They shall use the blood of the boy who slayed the evil king on his ashes and bring him back to life. Oh, a truly evil plan. Ganon would be proud.

But we have problems of our own to attend to. One day, we notice a strange mark on the back of our hand and ask Impa what it's all about. Gasping in amazement, she takes us to a room where we see a sleeping woman on a table, who is revealed to be Zelda (not the one we just saved). She tells us that years ago, a prince longed to claim the complete Triforce. He is told by a wizard that his younger sister, Zelda, is in knowledge of where the third piece, courage, rests. Demanding she tell him where it is, she refuses. The wizard, growing angry, casts a spell on her that would make her sleep forever if she did not tell. As she falls asleep, the prince feels horrible for being such a bad person. He lays her to rest, hoping she may one day awaken. In his guilt, he demands every girl born in the royal family be named Zelda.

It would take the power of the Triforce of Courage to break the spell, me being the destined one to have it. I am to place six crystals in six statues to unlock the way to the Triforce. I prepare to go on my way.

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link
(NES)

Holy crap, I'm big! And sideways! This new game is a sidescrolling adventure, to my disappointment. I start next to the sleeping princess. I leave and step into a Final Fantasy-esque overworld. I have no idea what to do. A blob attacks me and I go into another sidescrolling thing. This game appears to have an RPG-like leveling system.

I make my way to the town of Rauru. Holy crap, Hyrule has civilizations! I thought it was nothing but fields! A man in a house tells me if all else fails, use fire. I want that engraved into a golden plaque and hung above the mantle of my fireplace. And I think some woman just had sex with me, but I'm not sure. Some kid tells me to get a candle in Parapa Palace. OK. I move on and find the town of Ruto.

I am Error, huh?

I can't go south, says a woman, so I wander around a bit more. I wind up back in Rauru where an old guy gives me a shield spell. This man looks like a very stereotypical old wizard. Kind of funny. The lady here tells me every town has an old guy in it! Nifty.

I go east and find a cave. Making my way through, with no light whatsoever, I emerge and enter my first dungeon. Some red enemies lunge at me from all sides and I shank them to death. I fight some skeleton enemies and run like mad from these floating skull things. I make my way across a bridge which collapses behind me and come up against a red thing which appears to be throwing marraccas at me. I kill it and move on. I come up against a red knight who kills me. I die, return of Ganon.

I return all the way back TO THE GOD DAMNED PLACE I STARTED AT! I make my way back. I die another 700 times while trying to navigate this damn place before finally stumbling across a candle. Now I can see dark things. I come across some horse headed thing that kills me, return of Ganon.

The next time I go through the cave I can see everything before it kills me. Pretty neat.

The thing kills me another two times, return of Ganon. I'm starting to hate this game. At least in the first one I was capable of making progress! That whole 'go back to the very beginning of the whole game every time you die' thing has to be the worst concept of any game ever.

Instead of running straight back to get killed, I decide to level up. I wander around and discover a place that appears to be Stonehenge. I grab a heart container and go on my way. I spend the next hour fighting blobs in fields. That's the number one thing I hate about RPGs: there's always a part where I have to wander a field killing things for the sake of killing things. But now I'll go back to the temple.

The horse thing still kills me. Ganon comes back again.

After try #657, I finally kill the damn thing. A flashy animation (which is an improvement over the previous game's no animation) plays and I get a key. I put a crystal in a statue. Only 5 statues left. That's a good stopping place for now. I'll return later.